National Miscarriage and Child Loss day (long post)

When you embark on starting a family nobody ever tells you about the possibility of miscarriage or at least in my case no one ever did. Growing up my mother had suffered multiple losses but it was never really discussed. All of our friends were having babies and the world was a happy place.

We got pregnant in January 2002 and while it wasn't a planned pregnancy we were over the moon and eagerly started to plan for the arrival of a sweet baby. Well god had different plans and I miscarried that baby in the 10th week. We were devastated and honestly I have never felt so alone with my grief. Faruq was my rock but I know that he was hurting as well. I'm not sure how we got through the first few weeks but somehow we managed to.

After consulting with our doctor she felt that we could try again after 3 months but honestly it took us almost 7 months before I felt I was ready. We managed to get pregnant within a few months of trying and again we were over the moon. While the first loss was still fresh in my mind I just assumed it would not happen to us again....boy was I naive to that thinking. At almost the same time frame as #1 we lost baby #2 and while the experience was different the grief was even more intense.

This time it took a lot longer for me to come to terms with this lose and I honestly started to feel that this was not meant to happen or maybe we had waited to long to start a family. Our GP decided to refer us to the local OB to look into further tests to determine if there was in fact a medical reason for these losses. Of course, being in a smaller city it took almost 2 months to get this appointment. During this time Faruq and I talked a lot and I mean a lot about what was happening. I was racked with grief for not being able to have a baby and I now suspect that a lot of women have these same feelings.

The day arrived to meet with the OB and after what seemed like a thousand questions he wanted to run some tests to get a feeling for what was happening. I went for some routine blood work and tests then waited for the follow-up appointment the next month. Well I was shocked when I received a call a few days later from the OB saying he thought I might in fact be pregnant. He wanted my HSG test done to confirm it and he would call the next day. I rushed to have the test done again and sure enough I was pregnant but my fear was instantly back as well.

He booked an U/S immediately and we got to have a look at our sweet baby. Everything looked great and we started the wait again. Once I passed the 10 week mark I started to breath a little bit easier. It was pretty uneventful really for the next 7 months and on July 3rd, 2003 we were blessed with a beautiful little boy. Hayden Alexander was a gift from god and the light of lives.

We decided when Hayden was year old that we wanted to add to our little family and we set out trying to conceive another baby. After trying for almost a year and we went back to our OB to see if we could figure out the problem. During this time Faruq found out that we were going to be transferred to Calgary within the next 3 months so our OB just referred us to the Regional Fertility Clinic located in that city.

After waiting almost 6 months I got the call that we had been waiting for. We had our appointment booked for the next month. I was again naive in my thinking that once we went into the RFC that I would magically get pregnant and life would be good. We met with the doctor and again we had to go for more tests which of course met waiting longer. We booked the follow-up appointment and were sadden to find out that we had what was called "unexplained infertility". Basically, that means there was no medical reason why we shouldn't get pregnant.

He suggested we start with IUI's and if need be move to IVF treatments. We had our first IUI treatment and I had totally convinced myself it was going to work the first try. It did work but unfortunately we were devastated when we lost the baby again at 10 weeks. I felt gutted but this time it was a little easier to deal with because of the beautiful little boy I had at home.

We waited 3 months and tried again but sadly again this baby was not meant to be and I miscarried at 10 weeks again. By this time I think I was just numb to the pain and honestly just expected this to happen. I decided that I needed to take a break from the medication and the treatments so we put my file "on-hold" with the RFC. I have been and will always be a firm believer that god has a plan for us all and this was mine for good and bad.

I started to search for something else but didn't really know what that was.....again god delivers when you most need it. I was reading the Calgary Herald and came upon an article about a lady who is an acupuncturist practicing in Calgary and dealing with infertility. I made an appointment the next morning and after the first appointment knew I was in the right place. I cried (a lot) and she listened to me. I truly felt she understood what I was going through. We started treatments and after 3 months I was ready to try again at the clinic.

I booked an IUI for that month but secretly had already set myself up for the loss. I believe that it was my way of coping with the possibility of loss. "Don't get connected and you won't be as hurt when that day comes" was my motto !! Sure enough we got pregnant and the waiting game started again, we went for the 6 week u/s and again it all looked great. Week 10 came and went but honestly I had so many days when I kept saying " This is it I'm losing the baby". But it was not to happen this time and we were again blessed with a beautiful little girl on December 5, 2007 that we named Laila Quinn !!

After a year we once again had to decide if our little family was complete and honestly you would think that I should be happy with two beautiful kids but there was something inside of me saying "No you aren't done yet". We contacted the RFC to see if we could do three more IUI's to see if we would be blessed with baby #3.

Our doctor wanted to run the standard tests again but felt there was no reason why we couldn't start the IUI's. I went for my first IUI on April 8th and received a call from the clinic the very next day. They wanted to see us to discuss the test results. I immediately thought they had found something that might prevent us from getting pregnant again. Low and behold we discovered we were pregnant two weeks later. They booked the 6 week scan and I was to see the doctor at the clinic right after. The scan looked good and there was in fact a little baby brewing in there.

When I met with the doctor after the scan she informed me that one of my tests came back with not so favorable results and that it could make it near impossible to get pregnant. But she said that I had obviously proven them wrong and in these types of cases were very pleased to be wrong. We are now almost 27 weeks pregnant and expecting our 2nd little girl on December 26th.

I believe that god does have a plan for everyone and through my grief I tried to maintain that faith. I now look at my sweet angels here with me on earth and wouldn't trade them for world.
Infertility and the lose of children can be devastating and life changing but while I will never forget the 4 precious angels that were not meant to be with me here on earth I thank god everyday for the 3 children he has blessed us with.

I mourn with all the parents that have lost a child and I'm so glad that the world recognizes today as National Miscarriage and Child Loss Day - May all of our angels rest in peace.

God Bless !


Jenn M said...

Wow Michelle. That is a heartbreaking and wonderful story all at the same time.

You have 2 of the most beautiful children (even when they drive you nuts)

Thank you for sharing your story.

Donna said...

I'm sorry for your losses Michelle. You have been truly blessed with 3 beautiful babes. Thank you for sharing your story.